When 'I Should Be Able To' Gets in the Way
Notes #3: June 21, 2026
Now in my mid sixties, I have been coming face to face with my increasing frailty of body and mind more often. There’s no denying anymore that I am not the strong, sharp and capable person I used to be in my 40s and 50s. Whether we experience it in our 50’s, 60’s or later in life, this new reality can engender a lot of frustration, self judgment and internal conflict, if we continue to expect to function the way we “always have”. To avoid this internal turmoil requires that we make a shift in mindset. This is true especially for those of us who used to be highly capable and independent, for whom this strength used to be part of our self definition.
I have been experimenting with this new mindset a lot lately, and finding it pretty rewarding. To begin with, I am embracing my current limitations. It’s not that I like them, I don’t. I don’t like my aches and pains which limit my activity and disturb my sleep, nor my frequent mental confusion and overwhelm. And I bemoan the loss of my ability to multi-task!... But I know that it won’t always be the same, it’s OK to slow down, I have no one I need to impress, and I can get the help I need by asking for it. I don’t have to love everything about my reality in order to accept it. It isn’t easy to do, but I find it surprisingly freeing. So I am adjusting my expectations. I am shifting how I use my time and energy toward more self care. I am being kinder to myself, more forgiving and allowing.
Second, I am learning to ask for and accept help. I found that asking for help has benefits way beyond getting something done. Asking for help has a certain vulnerability to it, and I am grateful to discover each time I do it, that not only do I not get hurt, but my vulnerable Ask is met with a warm hearted response. I am relieved each time to see that no one thinks less of me for asking. On the contrary, people are happy to be asked, and to have an opportunity to help. Have you had the occasion to offer help to a friend or a neighbor? Remember how good it feels to be trusted and to help? It is indeed a gift to be asked.
The other week I shamefully confided to a friend about the overwhelm and resultant avoidance I experienced every time I thought about predicting my financial needs for the future. Knowing how important it is, and that “I should” be able to handle this, only added to my stress. To my amazement, my friend (who happens to have a professional background in the field) offered her help right away. Turns out that what feels beyond my ability is easily within hers. I was overwhelmed with gratitude and felt lighter just knowing that I wasn’t going to face my budgeting work on my own.
Soon thereafter our conversation revealed that my friend has been walking around with glasses in the wrong prescription because she hasn’t been able to bring herself to make an appointment with the optometrist. She felt embarrassed about it too. “How about we take advantage of this time together” I said, “and after we work on my budgeting, you call the optometrist and schedule that appointment?” She was grateful for the support and did just that. It was easy for me, and it helped her over the hump.
If we can only let go of the harsh “I should be able to…” and skip right to asking for support when we need it, we’d get much more done, and, more importantly, save ourselves loads of self loathing and angst.
Each time I ask for help, and receive it, is a new reminder that I am not alone. That there are people who care enough to want to help, and can do it with ease. That I am, lest I forget, a part of a community. The vulnerability of asking for and receiving help strengthens the relationships with the people I turn to, increases trust and establishes a connection that lives beyond the current instance.
What has been your experience in asking for and receiving help?
What has been holding you back from asking more often for what you need?
I’d love to hear from you! Write to me at ornalock@gmail.com
